The Lion, the Octopus, and the REDACTED
by Herbert J Schlomiczaihjioanego
Summary: This might be my magnum opus right here. Please read and review it! PLEASE! Aslan is sick of Narnia, so he moves to a town called Frank West! What strange things might occur in this strange town? Find out in The Lion, The Octopus, and the [REDACTED]! Contains infrequent language. And stuff.


The Lion, the Octopus, and the [REDACTED]

This is probably my magnum opus, in my opinion. It might be my final fanfic, I dunno, possibly.

"Shit" Aslan said. "I'm so fucking tired of being in Narnia. I'm gonna move" Aslan said. So, he got onto a train and left. Just like that.

He just left.

He just fucking left.

He just motherfucking left.

He just piece of shit motherfucking shit-ass left.

On the train, Aslan caught up on Breaking Bad.

"JESSE" Walter White said.

"What?" Jesse said.

"WE HAVE TO COOK" Walter White said.

"Okay mister white" Jesse said.

Then they cooked and got high and stuff.

It was very amazing. But suddenly, he heard a voice saying "Hrmm, uh… Excuse Me… Do you have a second? Could you help me out? Is it… let's see now… 9:00 AM on Sunday, March 16, 2014?"

It...

…was…

…**ROVER!**

"Sure, why not" Aslan said.

"Say, thanks! You're too kind! Really, you're a big help… Mya ha ha ha ha howr!" Rover said, "So, you mind if I sit here? I promise I won't fall asleep, tumble on to you, and start drooling on your shirt!"

"I don't wear a shirt" Aslan said.

"Thanks again! It sure is nice meeting friendly folk on the train… You aren't a psycho, right? Just kidding!" Rover said as he began to get on Aslan's nerves. "Say, by the way… What's your name?" Rover said.

"Aslan" Aslan said.

"Hrmm… well… hrmmm… Aslan… Now THAT is a funny name! Mya ha ha ha howr!" Rover said, really getting on Aslan's nerves, "Not that my opinion means much. What matters is, do YOU like the name Aslan?"

"Yeah, I guess" Aslan said.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I say it was odd? It's not odd! It's a great name for a girl!" Rover said.

ಠ_ಠ" Aslan looked at Rover like this.

"By the way… if you don't mind me asking… where are you headed?"

"I don't know, uh… …Frank West" Aslan said, because he had just beaten Dead Rising on overtime mode before leaving.

"You're going to Frank West?" Rover said, much to the surprise of Aslan who didn't think there would actually be a town called Frank West.

"Yep" Aslan said, now curious what the town of Frank West would be like.

"Hey! I know that place! Frank West is one of my favorite vacation spots! So what are you going to Frank West for?"

"Moving out of Narnia" Aslan said.

"Hrmm… moving, huh? I hate moving. Pack boxes, unpack boxes. It never ends. Say! Where's your new place?" Rover asked.

"I haven't picked a place yet" Aslan said.

"What?! You don't know yet? Are you out of your tree? Well, we obviously need to find you a place to live! …Oh, wait! Boy, am I dense! This buddy of mine runs the shop in Frank West! Let me give him a jingle!" Rover went on the phone and started saying many suspicious things. Rover walked back and said "OK, I'm back! Miss me? Mya! Oh! Looks like we're about to pull into Frank West! Did I mention I love this place? Remember, things are never as bad as they seem. Honestly! Good luck and that!" Rover said.

Aslan exited the train.

"GET OFF YA GREEDY BASTARD" Porter the Asshole Monkey said. He was an asshole. "YOU'VE ARRIVED AT FRANK WEST YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE" When Aslan got out, he realized that he had turned into an Animal Crossing lion! Then, he saw Tom Nook, who said "Welcome to the beautiful town of Frank West!" Tom Nook said. It was a pretty terrible place, to be honest. But, Aslan was sick of Narnia, so he had to move here but not really. He got into his house, which, this being Animal Crossing, was a dump. "This place is cramped as fuck" Aslan said. He looked out the window when he saw a nice-looking house on the distance.

Aslan begrudgingly went to the house. He knocked on the door but then bulldozed through it to meet his neighbor "Hi, sucker" Octavian said. "I'm Octavian" Octavian said.

"Nice to meet you™" Aslan said.

"GO AWAY" Octavian said.

Aslan then ran away. He decided to explore the town a little more. While walking to the museum, he bumped into a crocodile! "Welcome to Frank West, it's a me! I'm Alfonzo!" Alfonzo said. "Hi there" Aslan said. Inside, Blathers was sleeping and stuff. "Hoo… Hoo… ACK!" Blathers said. "Welcome to the museum." Aslan looked around and saw that there were nothing in the museum! "Where's all the stuff?" Aslan said. "We don't have anything!" Blathers said. "What" Aslan said. It's an empty museum. But if you want to fill it up, you certainly can by sending fossils to the Faraway Museum! Hoo hoo! Or you can give us fish and bugs! Or you can give us paintings! But if they're forgeries, I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP. "Oh-Okay" Aslan said, running for his dear life. "Where should I go now?" Aslan wondered. "How about… …over there?" Aslan looked at the police station.

"Who's that guy, wee baby?" Mathilda said to Axel and Bones. "I don't know, yip yip" Bones said, smiling. "Aw man, I hope he's cool, WHONK" Axel said. Suddenly, a stuffed bear named Stitches walked up to them and said, "That's Aslan. He's a lion from Narnia. I don't know if he's gonna be friendly, stuffin. Watch out for him."

Aslan walked into the police station. "Welcome to the police station, good sir! That, over there, is the lost and found! You may have lost something, and it may be right there!" Copper said. So Aslan went to the lost and found, and saw a "Oh, uh, hi." Booker said. Aslan saw a freakin' GOLD SLINGSHOT in there. "Oh shit yeah yeah yeah that's mine yep yeah yes it is certainly mine yes it is by the way it is mine it definitely belongs to me oh yes it does it is mine" Aslan said. "Does that belong to you?" Booker said. "_**YES**_" Aslan said, excitedly. "Okay, then I guess it's yours" Booker said. Suddenly, Aslan ran like fuck out of the office before they realized that it wasn't his.

"So, did you hear about the new guy, derr?" Derwin said to Dotty. "Yes, I heard, don't bother lecturing me about it Derwin." Dotty said. "He's from Narnia, derr!" Derwin said. "Listen, Derwin. I KNOW" Dotty said. "Okay :(" Derwin said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to say derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

Aslan walked to Nook n' Go. He didn't bother going into Able Sisters because he's a lion and he doesn't need clothes. "Hello, welcome to Nook n' Go!" Tom Nook said, "What do you want, hm?" "I don't know" Aslan said. "I can buy anything you have, hm?" Aslan didn't have anything to sell but the _**GOLDEN SLINGSHOT**_, and he wasn't gonna sell that shit. But Aslan did need some MUNEZZZZZZZZ, so he shook a bunch of trees for fruit. And he found bees, but he was a freakin' lion, so they went down easily. Oh, and he sold the fruit, too. "How about you meet some of your neighbors?" Tom Nook said. "Have you met all of them?" Tom asked. "Well, I still haven't met one of them." "THEN GO GET TO THAT DUMMKOPF" Tom Nook said.

"Okay, Okay!" Aslan said as he ran to a disturbing old dilapidated house. He knocked on the door as it creeped open. "Hello… …mon chou…" a voice said. It was Gaston the rabbit. "What do you want, mon chou" Gaston said. "I was just saying hi is all" Aslan said. "Well, go away, mon chou. I don't have any need to see you." Gaston said.

Night set on the lovely town of Frank West as Aslan decided it was time to tucker down for his first night in his new home.

Frank West: He went back to his house and fell asleep in his surprisingly nice bed.

"You know they're living in the United States of YOUR ASS right" Aslan said as he tuckered down into bed.

…

…

…

…

…

In the middle of the night, Aslan heard some weird noises coming from outside. He got out and saw that they were coming from Octavian's house. His lights were on, so he was inside. He went over to the house of Octavian…

…BUT NOBODY WAS THERE…

Aslan used this opportunity to poke around in Octavian's room when he looked in his cabinet. Aslan found a big red button that said "PLEASE DON'T PUSH ok thanks." Obviously, Aslan pushed it. Durr. Suddenly, a wall opened. It was like the indie game "Gone Home" only it wasn't pretentious shit. Aslan walked down and he found a dark, dim stairwell. It looked like nobody had been in here for decades. So Aslan walked down it as the sound became more clear. It sounded like a little girl screaming. Eventually, he got into a room, dimly lit by candles, when he saw Octavion, sticking his tentacles into the butts of Japanese schoolgirls!

"DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT. THE. FUCK." Aslan said. "Hey" Octavian said. "You found my hidden japanese schoolgirl sex dungeon, sucker. Wanna join me?" Octavian said, with all eight of his tentacles in a Japanese schoolgirl's ass. There had to be around three hundred of them stuck down there. Our old pal Shinji was there, too, doing his usual thing.

**AS USUAL**

**AS**

**USUAL**

"Try one" Octavian said, handing Aslan a schoolgirl. "ONI-CHANNNNNNN :(" she said, traumatized after years of being stuck in Octavian's sex dungeon. But Alsan remembered what he learned from Wally Bear.

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, THANK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!**" Aslan screamed. "Fine, more for me, then" Octavian said. Porter was there, too. "Gee, Octavian, you know how to throw a party! FUCK YOU, ASLAN" he said like the scumbag he was. Pelly and Phyllis were there, too. And so were most of the villagers. "Fuck one of them in the ass, or you die" Octavian said as he pointed a revolver at Aslan. This reminded Aslan that he still had the slingshot, and he shot it into Octavian's eyes!

"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWWWWWWW" Octavian said as Aslan ran back up the stairwell! The villagers gave chase to Aslan as he escaped, but Aslan locked them in by boarding up the door! "SHIT" Octavian said, "Now the world will know about my Japanese schoolgirl sex dungeon! No matter! Pelly and Phyllis, launch Operation Epsilon! "Yes, sir" Pelly and Phyllis said as they pushed a bunch of buttons, that would cause Octavian's house/sex dungeon to fly in the sky while releasing hundreds of nukes, basically killing everyone not on Octavian's house/sex dungeon. They were set to launch in one hour. Outside, Aslan ran to Nook n' Go, but it was closed. So he used his bulldozer to half-destroy Nook n' Go! "What do you want, it's 4:00! On a Monday morning! WHAT?!" Tom Nook yelled. "Wait, so you aren't in on Octavian's plan to nuke everyone on earth except for everyone in his depraved Japanese schoolgirl sex dungeon?" Aslan asked. "What the fuck… *sigh* octopi… …I should've read enough hentai to know where that was going…" Tom Nook said. "Anyway, we need to take him down! You have a slingshot, no? How about an AXE?!" Tom Nook said, handing Aslan an axe! "I'll call Blathers, and an old friend of mine. Meet him at the train station." Tom Nook said, "This ends tonight!" "Well, yeah, otherwise, the world ends and all" Aslan said. "Stop being a smartass, and go to the train station!" Tom Nook yelled. Aslan sprinted to the train station, and waited.

…and waited…

…and waited…

…and waited…

…when suddenly, a train came screeching off of the tracks and blew up the train station! Out of the passenger car came Rover! "Don't worry, I've brought backup!" Rover said, as Judge Dredd and John Marston came out of the train car! "Let's do this!" John Marston said. "I AM THE LAW!" Judge Dredd said.

Aslan, Rover, Judge Dredd, and John Marston ran to Octavian's house to meet up with Blathers and Tom Nook. Blathers had fallen into a pitfall seed, and was too weak to get up. "I… …can't go on… …tell my wife… …I love her…" Blathers said. "It's OK, we can get you out!" Rover said. Rover lifted Blathers up, as Blathers said, "You-You've saved m-"

*BOOM*

Somebody shot Blathers through the face! "HOLY SHIT" Rover said, "WE'VE GOTTA GET MOVING!" The group was about to run into the house when they saw an army of gyroids, Rafflesias, and Sharks were there! Also, Godzilla, Mothra, Cloverfield, SCP-173, Jeff the Killer, Noseybonk, Bowser, The Capra Demon, One Direction, Malus, Quadratus, King Boo, Dr. Shrunk, Yami in his hand form, Chef Excellence, Skeith, Innis, Magus, Fidchell, Gorre, Macha, Tarvos, Corbenik, Cubia, The Fullbright Company, Timothy Green, the computer from _Flight of the Navigator_, Handsome Jack, GLaD0S, AM, HAL 9000, and a bear were there, assisting Lloid. "YOU WILL NOT PASS" The Gyroid commander, Lloid, said.

"Don't worry, guys!" Rover said, "I've got connections! To MAN!" Suddenly, Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Iron Man, Calendar Man, Aquaman, Pac Man, Mrs. Pac Man, Bomberman, Bravoman, Heroman, Mega Man, The Tin Man, Slender Man, SCP-106 "The Old Man", Proto Man, Rayman, Quail Man, Radioactive Man, He-Man, Mermaid Man, Macho Man, the Kool Aid Man, 'Splosion Man, Ms. 'Splosion Man, Frosty the Snowman, The Invisible Man, The Man Your Man Could Smell Like, Redmond and Blutarch Mann, Pulseman, POKEYMAN, Mandy, Kinnikuman, Lobsterman, Sparky Sparky Boom Man, Scatman, Cartman, Jumpman, Gordon Freeman, Destroyman, Runman, Starman, Starman Super, Ghost of Starman, Pumaman, Yes Man from Fallout: New Vegas, John "Demolition Man" Spartan, The Running Man, Burning Man, Plastic-Man, the Sand Man, Hawkman, Fat Man, Nuclear Man, Paper Doll Man, Powdered Toast Man, Strong Badman, Iceman, Frogman, Super Macho Man, Metro Man, Boogerman, Eggman, Manny Calavera, Ultraman, Animal Man, Mr. Eastman, the X-Men, the Watchmen, the Men in Black, The Laughing Man, The G-Man, the Illusive Man, Ro-Man, Benny the Spaceman, Mothman, Harriet Tubman, Mr. Treeman, The Most Interesting Man in the World, a Manta Ray, and Manbearpig burst out of nowhere to kick gyroid arse. "OH YEAH!" Macho Man and the Kool-Aid Man said. What ensued was quite possibly the most fucking amazing battle ever fought. "Go on without us, we'll hold the line!" Benny said as Rover shed a tear for all who were going to be inevitably lost.

Aslan, Rover, Tom Nook, Judge Dredd, and John Marston barged into the house when they saw the villagers there, armed with slingshots! But just then, John Marston did the whole Dead Eye thing and shot them all up! Suddenly, the house started rumbling, and out of the door down to Octavian's depraved sex dungeon came a two-headed dinosaur with the heads of Rico and Javier Escuela! "We've got to take this one, you guys go ahead!" John Marston said. "I AM THE LAAAAAAAAAW!" Judge Dredd screamed as he fought the giant Rico head.

Aslan, Rover, and Tom Nook sprinted down the stairs as they felt like something was rising. Then they realized that the house was starting to launch! So they continued down the stairs until they reached the sex dungeon. But Octavian wasn't there! "To reach Octavian," a voice said. Another voice said, "You must best us!" They were Pelly and Phyllis, in the armor of Ornstein and Smough from Dark Souls! "Not…" Another voice said. "…TODAY!" Timmy and Tommy ran from behind Aslan, Rover, and Tom Nook and stabbed Mable and Sable in their armored faces! "Owowowowowowwww" Mornstein said. "….." Smoughble said. "I'll help Timmy and Tommy fight the Able sisters, you guys must keep going!" Tom Nook said as he pulled out a golden axe.

So Aslan and Rover ran up ahead where they found the bridge of Octavian's sexship. Porter was on the steering wheel, setting the coordinates for far away from Earth. "OH HEY ASSHOLE, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE IT THIS FAR." Porter said. Even now, he was still an asshole. "Look, buddy, you know that I'm a lion, right?" Aslan said. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FUCK" Porter said. Then, Aslan just mauled Porter. It was really satisfying. "I'll take the controls, and pilot us back to Earth!" Rover said, "You need to stop Octavian, and save the world!"

So, Aslan took an elevator up to Octavian's secret chamber. "**WELCOME TO **_**MY LAIR, SUCKER**_" Octavian said. He was wearing a robot suit, with Japanese schoolgirls on each of his tentacles. Also, he had half turned into a Xenomorph. And his suction cups had guns. And his tentacles had blades. So yeah, he was pretty OP.

But not OP for Aslan! After disabling the nuke, he tore off one of Octavian's bladed tentacles, and swung it the armed suction cups to cut off another one of Octavian's tentacles. "**IT BURNSSSSSS**" Octavian screamed. "Now, you're just a squid!" Aslan said. Then, he used the armed suction cups to fire off bullets, which hit four more of Octavian's tentacles! "**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**" Octavian said, releasing missiles from his mouth. They blew up, but didn't hit Aslan. Aslan got bored and tore off the other tentacles. Octavian, now tentacle-less, couldn't hurt Aslan or anybody. So, Aslan broke a hole in the ship and kicked him out of it. "**YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE**" Octavian said, but then he got smashed and killed by Gulliver's space ship, so he really did see the last of Octavian.

"Sucker" Aslan said as the sex-spaceship landed in the crater of what was once the kind-of-lovely-in-a-strange-sort-of-way Frank West, thanks to Rover's amazing spaceship-piloting skills. "Well, shit" Rover said, "It's all in ruins! At least the men managed to take down the army!" "We killed the two-headed dinosaur" John Marston said as he and Judge Dredd walked out of the house. "I AM THE LAW!" Judge Dredd said. Tom Nook came out of the ruins, saying, "Pelly and Phyllis are no more." Timmy and Tommy got out, with Timmy apparently having a broken arm. "Great, now the whole town is dead, what do we do now?" Tom Nook asked. Aslan said, "I'm going back home to Narnia!"

-**THE END**

also pls review kthanksbye


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